Diary: Dec 14th Modern Love

Well, here we are. December. Doesn’t feel like A Long December thankfully.

I was up early this am to be on CTV. Because my kids are wifi-drainers, I had my daughter go over to a friend’s at the wonderfully convenient time of 7:10 a.m. The morning shows get easier and easier. Lately, there seems to always be something to talk about. Beauty tragedy: I could not find any false eyelashes in the house today so I bravely went on without them. It’s strange what becomes your safety blanket in your 40’s. Who cares — at least there was lipstick.

Life seems short but it also seems long, and during the weekend of the Downie-Wenjack Fundraiser in Burlington my heart shifted a little bit. I thought of years gone by, some regrets, some joys. I looked around at my life now and I noticed how much like “me” I felt. Some of this has to do with the hard work of the last 5 years, but the majority of it has to do with the way I feel supported. By you - the fans. By my uber-handsome partner. By my girlfriends. By my own strength.

As I passed a bridal shop on the street before the show, I remembered 2003. And how after being proposed to on the hills of Yorkshire in England, I had (unintentionally) given the role of wedding dress-shopping to my then mother-in-law-to-be. (Ironically, I ended up having my dress made but she, my then-mother-in-law-to-be came with me to all the fittings.) Being mildly dim and unthoughtful in my twenties, (and at that time probably fixated on touring Asianblue or planning Songs of Love and Death) I didn’t realize how this decision deeply wounded my mom, who in 1975, bravely passed me through her vagina, fed me for 18 years, dealt with the teen horror of 1989-1993 and later took care of my own children when my husband ran off into the sunset of pottery and sketchbooks with a twenty-something co-worker/artist.

I decided as I returned to the venue and closed the door of my dressing room to write my new partner Michael a letter.

I had forgotten how glorious that time can be - when I’m playing solo and there’s downtime. And you can just sit in your dressing room and use the makeup routine as a time to relax. Or you can listen to music. Life has become busy again…I bet it has for you too. So we are wandering about, racing against the clock, not healed from the ups and downs of the pandemic, missing the chance to withdraw…not feeling like we can again but secretly wanting to. But I finally had this time…and my heart simply went to that place of giving.

The words I wrote in my book…about “what can you offer” seemed to be swirling around me like a hundred butterflies. I let my pen go where it wanted.

And in the past, I would have wanted to knife out couples’ eyes…thinking them weak, co-dependent and a product of society’s expectations. Now, I realize how much I believe in love as a way to rediscover one’s self and cultivate love that can be shared widely - in friendships, art, music. If someone has your back, really sees you, can hear all your fears (rational and otherwise) and still love you without conditions, they truly are your best friend. It’s not to say that being a couple is easy, but it’s the commitment and the hard work and the decision to welcome in joy and true vulnerability (all the messy and the momentous) that I see now is actually life-transforming. And that’s what I’ve found in my partner, Michael.

A proposal spilled out onto those pages. Well, a sort-of proposal. His answer was the thing that validated it’s proposal-ness. A “yes” into the phone, as I pulled into my driveway after a long drive.

The next day, I took my mom aside and told her the news. I paired it with a tearful “sorry” that in 2003, I didn’t go dress-shopping with her. As someone who had been holding pain in some corner of her body for almost two decades, she got teary too and said how much it had hurt her feelings. Because no news of a proposal isn’t complete without your mom shaking her finger at you, she told me that if one day, my daughter wants to go shopping with someone else for her wedding dress, I’d best put a stop to the whole thing. After the tears there were hugs and smiles. And congratulations.

So out of the spirit of giving, of offering, of second chances….I am engaged.

To type it all to you is so surreal! I sometimes don’t even know how it happened despite typing it all out for you!!!

This time around, the decision is conscious. Not one that is a result of a question sprung on me. Not a decision made out of “well, it’s the right time in life for this”. But a conscious decision to be brave, to give and to love. For as long as we have.

I share this with you because you are all part of my world. And for that I am so grateful.

A little bit about Michael in his own words, here.

Next stop, Nashville to make the album of my dreams. I hope you’ll all join me on the journey. It’s gonna be amazing. Fingers crossed the universe cooperates with us.

Love you all xoxo

He said YES!